Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black