You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
You Might Also Like
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
real
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs