Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done