Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of