Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?