Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend