You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed