Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.