I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
So that’s what we looked like?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
pizza
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.