My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I love you…
…r dog.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect