I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked