Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter