In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
All generalizations are stupid.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
this is the best day of my life
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi