Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.