I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
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[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.