“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”