breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Them: You should try keto
Me:
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.