Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
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Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No