Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.