Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
this has to be peak English
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
We found love in a hopeless place.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!