I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
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I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
It has been 3 years since Monday.