Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*