Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.