If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Lmaoo 😂
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.