yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
me doing my best
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
every. time.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda