“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.