Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Breaking news:
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.