Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’m putting together a team
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?