How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
You Might Also Like
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.