1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Spell check is for lasers.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.