me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”