If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me sliding into hell like
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.