wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
You Might Also Like
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Don’t make me out nice you.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
…..pretty much.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale