I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake