The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
You Might Also Like
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My time has come.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.