Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one