[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
You Might Also Like
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”