Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
You Might Also Like
just witnessed a drug deal
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
oppen heimer style lol
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
…u ok Nintendo?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*