An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.