[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
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the Monday after daylight savings
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?