I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
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Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.