I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Every photo I’m tagged in
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no