Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!