So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
lol
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey