ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.