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PLOT TWIST:
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…