Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf