why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
You Might Also Like
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”