Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
You Might Also Like
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary