I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.